It hurt, to know that Soubi would never be mine. He would always be Beloved, always belong to Seimei. Never Loveless. Never me.

I had talked to him about it, although it’s so difficult to get a straight answer out of him. Of the broken conversations we’ve had, I’ve learned that he was born a blank Fighter, but once inscribed with a name he was forever that name’s Fighter. Even if he had a new Sacrifice? I asked. He said yes, until the day he died.

I sighed. School was boring, as usual. I had already learned the current lesson at my old school, so I didn’t bother paying attention. Finally the bell rang, and I packed up my stuff and walked slowly out of the school. The students around me talked and laughed, and I let them pass me by without a thought. What were they to me, the “weird kid”, whom everyone knew was abused and refused to say a thing about it.

Past the school gates, I saw the familiar blond leaning against the outer wall, a cigarette in his mouth. “I wish you wouldn’t smoke.” I muttered as I leaned against the wall next to him.

“Is that an order?” He asked, not looked down at me.

I said nothing, knowing he was addicted no matter what I ordered. I shrugged away from the wall, walking towards home. Soubi followed without a word.

We passed others on the street silently. Many people stared. What would you think, seeing a surly teenager followed by a softly smiling 20-year-old man? I ignored them, merely keeping my eyes straight ahead, wanting to be home and in my soft bed, the door locked…

‘And Soubi beside me.’ My traitorous mind whispered to me. I internally shook me head. I couldn’t, wouldn’t think like that. I didn’t need him. He didn’t need me. We were just two people, caught up in a complicated Fighter-Sacrifice situation. Nothing more.

‘You love him.’ That voice whispered. I wanted to growl. I had given up arguing. I knew it was true, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was so depressing, upsetting, to love someone when they only loved you back through orders, no true feelings behind those words…

We had reached my doorstep. I stood there, staring at the space between our feet. “I love you, Ritsuka.”

I wanted to scream. His voice was so dull, emotionless. I felt his hand caress my cheek., lifting up my face. His lips met mine and held them there. But there was no feeling behind it. I felt tears behind my closed eyes, but didn’t let them escape.

He pulled away, and when I opened my eyes again he was walking away, to be seen tomorrow or next week, I didn’t know.

I sighed again and turned the knob to open the front door. Mom was sitting in the living room, watching TV. She turned when I opened the door, but just glared at me. I looked down and rushed upstairs to my room, locking the door behind me.

Dropping my backpack to the floor, I collapsed on my bed. Curling up into a ball, I hugged my knees and shivered. I shut my eyes tight, and fell into a fitful sleep.

Dreams floated in and out of my line of sight. I saw Seimi, Youiko, Kio, mom, and Soubi in different moments of time. I tossed and turned in my sleep, not wanting to stay in this state, yet not wanting to wake up and face reality.

Soubi’s face appeared before me. “I love you.” He whispered. His eyes were soft, and I felt that he meant every word. I smiled.

I awoke in a start. I sat up quickly, my thoughts running wild. Then I growled and pulled my knees to my chest, hugging them close. “You don’t need him, you don’t want him, you don’t love him. You don’t need him, you don’t want him, you don’t love him, you don’t…”

I stopped as tears came to my eyes again. I sobbed into my knees, not caring if that meant I would have to change clothes.

The tears eventually came to a stand-still, after at least half an hour. Just as I wiped my face dry, I heard a tap on my balcony doors. I knew who it was.

Jumping up, I flung the doors open and ran into his waiting arms. I didn’t care if he didn’t love me back. I didn’t care if he lied, or if he wished I was Seimei and not me. Please, God, just let me pretend that he loves me, and that he was Loveless, and that he really wanted me to be me. Just for a few seconds…

Soubi lifted me up into his arms, walking a few paces to set me down, then lie down himself. He tucked my hair behind my ears, whispering, “I love you, Ritsuka.”

I turned away from him, facing the opposite wall. “No, you don’t. You’re just following Seimei’s orders. You don’t know what love is.” I whispered angrily.

“This coming from the boy named Loveless.” Soubi said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

I didn’t care. I rolled out of the bed and jumped up. “Get out!” I screamed, pointing towards the balcony doors. “I never want to see you again! Leave me alone!”

“Is that an order?” He asked softly.

I glared at him, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes. “Of course it’s a Goddamn order! Get out, Teme!” I shouted, turning away and falling to my knees. I hated him, I hated him, I hated him!

I heard the balcony doors click shut. I was on my hands and knees, glaring at the floor.

I hated him, I hated him, I hated him!

I loved him.

This is not mine of course, but I just had to post this story and the link because it's beautiful! It made me cry...

I think though, that Soubi really does develope feelings for Ritsuka in the later volumes( or at least I hope so). Loveless is just so darn confusing sometimes!

link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4735143/1/Hate_Him_Love_Him
 

strawberry i gotta get an L doll so he can share in these tea parties! ^0^

  see!